Ever Feel Like ...?

Ever feel like you need a bath because you've been up to your neck in shit all day at the office?

For me that day was yesterday. Have a look above. It took only 806 rolls of toilet paper to remove the stench and filth of office politics from my well-being. If the corporate workplace is one big toilet, what I would give for a bazooka full of Scrubin' Bubbles.

It all started because of a big management shake-up. As a result, I was promoted to a newly-created position - "The Go-To Guy" for all inter-office paper products. No raise in pay, just in my self-esteem. It was more of a 'lateral' promotion, if you know what I mean. Still, it beats what I was doing last week - restocking creamer and condiment supplies in the coffee-break room and making sure the damned cappachino-maker was making with the well-proportioned fluffs of foam on demand.

But I wasn't the only one to move up the corporate ladder. That bastard Kensington from the warehouse in now in charge of Office Supplies. And sure enough, it didn't take long for it to go to his head. This morning, my *first* day on the job no less, and I get a memo from him sayng that "as the manager in charge of distribution of all office workplace materials, I am hereby requesting that you cease and desist in your current handling of Post-It notes and all similar wares which are under the adequate supervision of the Office Supplies Department."

There's only one way to stop a pissing match. Nip it in the bud. So first thing I did was go out to the parking lot and slash the front left tire on the fucker's Honda. Then I barged in and made a formal complaint with ol' man Jenkins, the founding father of this place.

Next, I got out one of those accordion-style Post-It note pads and wrote Kensington a memo of my own. "Stick to your staplers, paper-clips and changing the ink-cartridges in the printer," I told him. "But leave the REAL work - the handling of file-folders, envelopes, legal pads, printer-paper, paper-towels, bathroom personal-hygiene cleaning aids AND Post-It notes to a REAL man. Because I am the Inter-Office Paper Products distribution *masta*. Signed, the NEW Vice-President of ALL Paper Products. And if you don't believe me, go ask Mr. Jenkins."

Then I helped myself to 20 bulk-size boxes of toilet paper from the Paper Supplies storage room, went home, cracked open a beer, lit some candles, lay down in the bath and me and Freddy Mercury did back-to-back duets on 'We Are the Champions' for a solid hour. As I wiped the shit of the day from my weary bones.