Your Morning Chuckle

This post is dedicated to my friend Al - who apparently is in need of a good laugh.

I bought this paperback many years ago, around 1970 back in Grade nine and remember how popular it was the day I took it to school. Damn lucky I even got it back or didn't have it confiscated by one of the teachers for all the impromptu bursts of laughter it caused when passed around in class.

The title is a bit misleading. There are some 'sick' jokes in here. Pretty insensitive stuff which would surely be considered 'incorrect' today. Judge for yourself -

"Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play?"
"No, you children know he has leprosy."
"Then can we come in and watch him rot?"

"Mrs. Smith, can Sheldon come out and play ball with us?"
"No. You children know he has no arms or legs."
"That's okay. We want to use him for second base."

... and then there's a few about people who have to use iron lungs.

But the best are the ones that are just totally stupid. So dumb that in the right frame of mind they can reduce a sane man to a giggling fit. Here are some of the best - but the last one is my favorite. Now, don't cheat and scroll down - comedy is best savoured when you save the best for last.

"Doctor, my husband limps because his right leg is shorter than his left. What would you do in his case?"
"Probably limp."

A woman driver ran over a cripple crossing the street. Horrified, she stopped and called: "Oh dear. What can I do to help?"
"Just don't back up."

"Doctor! Doctor! Come quickly! My husband has swallowed a mouse!"
"Wave a piece of cheese in front of his mouth. I'll be right over."
The doctor arrives 15 minutes later.
"Why, you stupid woman! Why are you waving a herring in front of his mouth?"
"Now I've got to get the cat out, first."

"What happened to your hand, kid?"
"I sawed the top of my finger off."
"Dear, dear. How did you do that?"
"Sawing."

Teacher - "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Sheldon - "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

"Taxidermist, I would like you to do something with these two dead pet rabbits of mine."
"Would you like them mounted, Madam?"
"No. Just holding hands."

School was out and little Julius came bursting into the house crying bitterly.
"The kids beat me up, Mommy. They said I have a big head."
"Now, Julius, don't you listen to them," soothed his mother. "It's not true that you have a big head."
So, partly convinced, Julius returned to school the next day. That afternoon, the scene was repeated, and again his mother repeated her words of reassurance.
"So now calm down," she said, "because I would like you to run down to the market and get me nine pounds of potatoes."
"Okay, Mom. Gimme a bag to put them in," replied Julius.
"A bag! What do you need a bag for?" asked his mother. "Carry them in your hat."

"Ma, I just put a stick of dynamite under my teacher's chair."
"Why that's terrible, Sheldon. You march yourself right back to school immediately."
"What school?"

... and my own personal favorite for the truly dumbest, stupidest one of all -

"Doctor, come quickly. My husband has swallowed a fountain pen!"
"I'll be right over. What are you doing in the meantime?"
"Using a pencil."