Saturday, October 29, 2011

Son of 'Best of Sick Jokes'



Back by popular demand -

Some of these you may already know if you are a Facebook friend - and friends, the pickings are getting pretty slim, but there is still gold in that book.

And some that just aren't funny at all - as in,
"Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Where?"
"None of your damn business."

... after all these years I'm still scratching my head over that one.

But here's a few keepers -

"Daddy, there was a man here to see you today?"
"With a bill?"
"Nope. Just an ordinary nose like yours."

"Dad, is 'Rotterdam' a bad word?"
"Why no, son."
"Good. My teacher has poison ivy and I hope it'll rotterdam arm off."

"Are you the Widow Miffin?"
"I'm Mrs. Miffin, but I'm not a widow."
"Oh no? Just wait till you see what they're carrying up the stairs."

"Mrs. Jones! Your husband has been killed. Run over by a steam-roller."
"I'm in the tub. Can you slip him under the door?"

He had been bitten by a dog but didn't give it a second thought until he realized the wound was taking a long time to heal.
On visiting the doctor, he found out he had rabies. Since it was too late to give him the serum, the doctor tried to comfort him and prepare him for the worst as the patient sat down and began to write.
"Perhaps it won't be so bad. You needn't make out your will right now."
"I'm not making out my will," replied the man. "I'm making a list of the people I'm going to bite."

The mad scientist looked over the reports of his life-preserving tonic.
"Hmmm," he mused," I see where my elixir had its first failure - a 98-year-old woman. Ahhh, but what's this? They saved the baby."

The firing squad was escorting the prisoner to his place of execution. It was a dismal march in a pouring rain.
"What a terrible morning to die," sighed the condemned man.
"What are you kicking about?" asked the guard. "We gotta march back in it."

"Now, tell the jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?"
"I didn't want to wake the children."

"How do you know your father's dead?"
"He doesn't move when I kick him."

Farmer Thomas' barn had just burned to the ground and the insurance agent was trying to explain that he couldn't collect cash for it.
"Read the policy. All our company can do is replace it with another barn exactly like the one that was destroyed."
Farmer Thomas was enraged - "Well if that's the way you varmints do business, cancel the policy on my wife before it's too late!"

"The editor hanged himself a few minutes ago."
"Have they cut him down?"
"Not yet. He isn't dead."

A man was studying the menu at a roadside diner.
"What's the difference between the blue-plate special and the white-plate special?" he asked the waiter.
"The white-plate special is ten cents extra," explained the waiter.
"Is the food any better?"
"No, but we wash the plates."

"If you fall off that rock and break your leg, don't come running to me."

Sunday school teacher - "Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Sheldon - "Brotherly love."

A forest ranger in New Mexico frequently saw an Indian riding his horse up the canyon wall, his squaw trudging along behind him.
"Why is it," the ranger asked one day, "that you always ride and your wife walks?"
"Because," was the solemn reply, "she no gottum horse."

"Sheldon!" called Mama. "Are you spitting in the fish-bowl?"
"No, ma. But I'm getting closer every time!"

"How'd you blow that tire?"
"Ran over a milk bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."

Friend at a funeral - "It must be hard to lose a wife."
The bereaved husband - "Almost impossible."

Mangled pedestrian - "What's the matter - are you blind?!"
Motorist - "Blind? I hit ya, didn't I?"

Drunk - "Awww, lemme alone. Nobody cares if I drink myself to death."
Host - "I do. You're using my liquor."

"Aren't you the brave young man who tried to save my son from drowning when he broke through the ice?"
"Yes'm."
"Well, what did you do with his mittens?"

"You get the liscense plate number of the woman who hit you?"
"No, but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

"Gosh Dad, was that Ted Williams who just hit the home-run?"
"What do you care, Sheldon? You're blind."

"Mommy, why do I only walk in circles?"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"Hey kid, what happened to your hand?"
"Sawed the tip of my finger off."
"How'd you do that?"
"Sawing."

The foreman of the lumber camp put a new worker on the circular saw. As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch."
"What happened?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and - well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"

... Dear Reader - getting close to the bottom of the barrel here, but fear not - there will be more.

1 Comments:

Blogger Victoria said...

"You get the liscense plate number of the woman who hit you?"
"No, but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."


Great posts... I know. I keep saying that.

It's still true.

8:54 PM  

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