The Annual Theatre Review

Went to Theatre London last night and had a Grand time. Ha-ha.

We saw 'Sexy Laundry.' It's a comedy about this long-time married couple who go off for a romantic weekend at an expensive hotel to "re-evaluate their relationship" by bringing along a copy of 'Sex For Dummies.'

Going to the play was Mavis' idea. She read a review for it in the Free Press (written by the reporter who likes EVERYTHING,) and thought it sounded 'cute.' I read the same review and 'cute' isn't the adjective I would have chosen. Cliche and predictable would have been.

I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. The last time I went to the Grand was to see 'The Graduate' and there was nudity in it. But it's one thing to see Sonja Smits bare-naked - and full frontal, no less - and quite another thing to see two somewhat pudgy fifty-somethings nude and having sex up on stage.

Geez, if I want to see two naked middleaged people having sex, all I have to do is glance up at my ceiling. Ha-ha.

But the ol' lady was looking forward to it and seeing as how I never seem to take her anywhere anyhow unless it involves Sonja Smits naked, I thought what the hell. It would be a nice pre-Valentines gesture and way to show her that we don't need to go to an expensive hotel to rekindle our romance. Or even show up with roses on February 14th for that matter - our union is that strong.

Besides, we were going to a restaurant across the street from the theatre before the show to use up a gift certificate I got at Christmas, so I figured I'd at least get a good steak out of the deal. And considering the subject matter of the play, as long as I didn't fall asleep during the performance, there was a good chance I might be getting laid afterwards.

So we went - and as for the night on the whole, I gotta tell ya - that was one of the BEST steaks I EVER had. Beef tenderloin, seared lightly so it was still nice and pink inside. With 'jus reduction' - which I think is French but seems to basically be 'au jus' which I believe is Latin for 'gravy.'

Had a Ceasar to kick things off and a really nice glass of red wine which came in a glass the size of a small fishbowl - and I was content for the night right there. Even if the hostess asked me to remove my hat when we sat down. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why a fancy restaurant would want to discourage the knuckle-dragging crowd from wearing their ball-caps or trucker hats into their establishment.

But I was wearing my beret. Just like the kind they wear over in Paris. You know, Paris, France? The place where they got all those bistros where everyone and their dog sit at tables eating croissants while speaking all that French-talk and wearing berets?

After all, this was a restaurant which specializes in French cuisine - what would be more appropos than a beret? But what the hell. I had a shower a couple of hours earlier and had washed my hair so I looked too damn cool to have my lion's mane covered up anyway. In fact, my hair looked so good I even took out my pony-tail scrunchie.

Mavis had the special of the day which was blue marlin. And it was darned good too. We'd never had blue marlin before. Or any kind of marlin for that matter. But I always feel that when you have to spend a small fortune in a restaurant, you might as well get something you can't cook yourself or that none of your friends could possibly whip up if they invited you to a pot-luck.

We didn't get any appetizers or dessert. As I told Mavis, let's not fill up.

As for the play itself, it was pretty well what I expected. The first half was like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' as written by the staff writers from 'Cosmopolitan.' When intermission came, if Mavis was to have suggested leaving so we could go home and catch 'King of Queens,' I would have gone. But she liked it. And they did get off a few good yuks so I didn't mind it too much.

And I'm glad we stayed because the second half moved in a different direction. One which involved, at one point - black leather, whips and bondage. In a cute and wholesome kind of way.

And the two actors were darned good. Both were pretty funny actually. But it was the closing night performance so I knew they would be pulling out all the stops and give 110 per-cent.

And it was the kind of play that when you go in, you know you'll be holding hands when you're coming out.

But it occured to me later, that for the small fortune I paid for dinner and the hundred bucks it cost for front-row theatre seats, I could have spent less than that taking Mavis to some fancy expensive hotel for a romantic weekend. Instead of watching two strangers up on a stage doing all that stuff we could have been doing it in real life ourselves. And probably for two nights if we went to someplace like Motel 6 on Wellington Road - and still have money left over to go next door to the Red Lobster for supper.

Too bad I shot my whole wad of February's romance budget on theatre tickets. But you know, I don't really mind. Mavis enjoyed the show. And that's all that matters.

And with the second act, it was certainly tolerable. It's not like I had anything better to do. Otherwise I'd just be sitting at home, watching some cowboy movie on TCM and digesting that incredible steak.

So we stopped into Coles on Dundas on the way home and picked up a copy of 'Sex for Dummies.' Such is the power and the magic of live theatre.