Annual Backyard Concert Review

"Ola. Long time since I last rapped at ya," as I am prone to saying/stealing when unable to come up with a good opening sentence after being incommunicado for over a week. Computer problems. The kind that only comes with teenage boys and on-line computer games involving credit cards, strangers and router-things on your modem. More viruses than the staff-room at the Dearness Home on a Sunday when the Masters Golf Tournament goes into overtime.

Anyway, that's why I wasn't able to post my preview article about The Sweet before they made their appearance last Friday at the Classic Rock Fest at Harris Park - a.k.a. 'Rock the Park.' Oh well, maybe they'll be back next year.

Normally, I enjoy the four-day fest from my backyard or upstairs bedroom where I am trying to get some sleep before going into work for the midnight shift. My backyard is the equivalent of about four blocks away and depending on the wind, I can hear the whole thing perfectly while sitting in a vinyl lawnchair in the privacy of my own V.I.P. section and drink stuff not available in the Beer Tent four blocks away. I can even smoke a cigarette if I want - if a smoker happens to drop in to hear a free concert.

But once again, the Loud Minority of this town has ruined it for me. They've done it before in the past at the same event with the return of Alice Cooper.

This time it was because of Ted Nugent who was the headliner on Wednesday night. I'm not a big fan of The Nuge, although I'm willing to admit to an admiration for 'Cat-Scratch Fever.' However, I am a fan of Ted, the Man. One of my favorite quotes was when he talked about his clean, healthy non-rock'n'roll lifestyle. "I don't need drugs or booze," explained Ted. "I get a much bigger high just from a nice piece of ass. Or a good steak for that matter."

Anyone who can be offensive and witty at the same time is alright by me.

And Ted likes everyone to know just how witty he is. That night, from my bedroom - with all the windows closed and the air-conditioner on, I could still hear his song introductions - word by word. "What you have up here is the greatest rock band in the world!" he modestly tells everyone before going on to prove that his real talent is for exaggeration.

It should come as no surprise to anyone in this town, that when Ted plays, it's LOUD. And it truly was last Wednesday night.

And of course, this being London, (a.k.a. Hicksville, Ohio,) people complained. They complained to their city council members, they complained to the police, to the newspaper and the morning talk-radio stations.

A total of 12 complaints. A dozen people let everyone know that they did not appreciate all that noise keeping them awake till 11:00. And we're talking P.M. here too. And on a weeknight no less.

So of course, the next night, whilst I was sitting in the backyard waiting to hear Joan Jett and the Blackheads (the only band of interest on Thursday night,) I noticed that the sound was turned down waaaay lower than usual. When Joan came on, I heard one song that I recognized. And that was only because Joan was the only one on the bill that night who knew anything about writing a song with something called a 'melody.'

Same thing the next evening. Friday night. No one has to work the next day, right? It's the weekend. Time to Rock the Park. Time to crank it up to '11.' Because THE SWEET were playing! Or at least the original bass-player and his new version of The Sweet were playing. Surely, the cops and the Parks-and-Recreational authorities would allow organizers to crank it up for The Sweet. Even though they were coming on at 6:30, (true, it was the supper hour but surely most Londoners in the neigbourhoods around the Forks of the Thames, site of Harris Park, would have been finished saying 'Grace' by that point,) this was The SWEET! One of the best bubblegum bands to come out of England in the early 70s. We all know the hits - 'Funny Funny,' 'Co-Co,' 'Chop-Chop,' 'Tom-Tom Turnaround,' 'Little Willy,' and of course, 'Wig-Wam Bam.'

Would this new version of the Sweet be playing all those favorites? Or would they be going for the obvious crowd-pleasers like 'Fox on the Run' or 'Action' or 'Ballroom Blitz'?

I'd like to tell you the answer to that, but I can't because again - the volume was turned down sooooo low that I was lucky to have even been able to barely catch a few riffs of 'Hellraiser' in the breeze.

All because a few self-appointed guardians of the city's bedtime hours complained to the media and the authorities. All 12 of them. Proof once again that all it takes is a few bad apples to ruin it for everyone.

We sat in the backyard when company came over on Saturday for the final night. The volume was up to a decent level so it didn't sound like we were listening to it on a cheap transister radio.

Mark Farner brought back memories of Grand Funk Railroad. Great use of the cowbell to open 'American Band,' although I was disappointed not to hear their hit,'I'm Your Captain,' from their earlier funkier years.

Or maybe I just missed it. Because before Mark's set was over, I was sufficiently overcome with nostalgia for that era, I ran in the house and brought out my tape-deck with 'Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band LIVE at Cobo Hall'.

Back in '73. Or '75. And when native-Michigonian Bob stopped mid-way through 'Nutbush City Limits' to relate that anecdote about "Hello, Motor City! You know, I was just reading in 'Rolling Stone' the other day and this guy said that Detroit audiences are the best audiences in the world.' ... And I said to myself, 'Shit, I've known that for 10-years!' "

... and all of Cobo Hall went nuts at that point.

Kinda like how all those 12 people who had complained earlier in the week, went nuts when, for the final set of the night - and the end of this year's rock fest, organizers cranked up the volume for Randy Bachman and Burton Cummings. "Finally, finally, something we can enjoy!" they all shouted.

They then ran down to the river to call out, "Burton, please, please, please, play 'These Eyes'! But not tooo loud. Our grandchildren are asleep in Byron."

I never did get to hear much of Bachman-Cummings. I don't like/dislike them. Musically, it sounded good from what I did hear.

But quite frankly, after three or four drinks on a Saturday night, I'm in more of a Bobby Goldsboro kinda mood.

Christopher Nolan Directs New Movie!

Just got back from an early morning dog-walk and as we're going down Stanley Street, there's three neer'-do-well types sitting on the porch of one of those trash houses on the corner of Stanley and Horn, laughing loudly and drinking out of coffee mugs.

As we pass, one of them, a particularly scruffy-looking sort, calls out to me - "Hey, you wanna buy a TV? Only seven bucks."

Kinda of an odd fixed-price, I thought. He obviously needed only $7 to top up the total of whatever he wanted to purchase in the near future of the next hour or so. It was only 7:00, so the liquor store wouldn't even be open for another three hours. The methadone clinic across from Beal High School wouldn't be open till 9 o'clock. Then I remember reading in the paper last year about how the price of cigarettes had gone up to $7.

Well, I certainly would have been willing to take the fellow down the street to Tim Hortons and let him order anything he wanted for under $6.99 - but I draw the line at supporting his addictions. Because I know darn well, just what that "only seven bucks" would have been spent on.

Besides, I have all the TV sets I need. Me and my pal, Moses Znaimer collect them.

So's instead, I said, as politely as possibly, "Thank you, no. I don't watch television. I have a library card."

Much guffawing ensued.

But it's true. I've had my own library card for years. I highly recommend them. For one thing, they're free.

As a matter of fact, I used it just last week when I took out a novel called 'The Prestige,' by this English guy, Christopher Priest.

The reason I wanted to borrow this particular volume was because I had seen the movie it was based on just a few days earlier, the ending of which had ever since been preying on my mind and much perplexing me.

It was a movie of the same title and one of those direct-to-video things which by-pass the motion-picture theatres on their release. Which surprises me - because I had seen a previous movie by the director, one Christopher Nolan, some time before and had been very impressed by his use of flashbacks, plot twists, multiple surprise endings and the way in which Nolan constructed this multi-layered story so that it peeled away like layer after layer of an onion.

That movie was called 'Memento,' and it was all about this gangster guy, 'Keyser Soze,' with a hidden identity that none of the other characters in the movie know about. I won't tell you the end, but it blew my mind and had me thinking about it for days afterwards. It starred Kevin Spacey and Gabe Byrne, two *real* actors and so I couldn't understand why 'Prestige,' had to go the direct-to-DVD route.

Because 'The Prestige,' too, had a good strong cast. Christopher Bale, from that cowboy movie that came out last summer. And from Australia, a new young talent named Heath Ledger. You can't get much better than that when it comes to new talent in Hollywood.

Anyway, it's about these two feuding magic guys at the turn of the century, right around the time of Houdini. They're always playing mean practical jokes on each other and are all like "Oh yeah? Well I'm a better magician than you." And the other guy is like, "No way, I'm better than you." And the first guy is saying, "Yeah, right. You can't even pull a rabbit out of your hat." And the other guy then says, "Oh yeah, how'd you like to see me make YOU disappear?!"

And then he does just that.

**** SPOILER ALERT ****




... And then does it to himself.

Like I say, the ending bothered me for days. It was quite a good movie, all about alter-egos, doublegangers and secret identities.

And that's when it hit me - wouldn't it be cool if Nolan (who also co-wrote the screenplay,) could team up with the same actors and do a new movie, but with the same themes?!

It just so happens, I have the perfect idea for such a project.

Heath Ledger has already established that he's a good sport when it comes to being in superhero movies. So far, of all the 'X-Men' movies, he played the definitive 'Wolverine.' He's no stranger to when it comes to playing a guy in tights.

So, I'm thinking - with Heath's wholesome good looks - complete with square jaw, tousled blue hair and proven ability at playing someone with a secret identity, why doesn't Nolan put him in a new version of 'Superman'? It couldn't be any worse than that last big-screen version starring Brenden Fraser.

And to make it all the better, get Christopher Bale to play Heath's doubleganger, 'Bizarro Clark Kent.' Top it all off with casting Verne Troyer as the villain, that mischievous 'Mr. Mxyzptlk,' and we're right in business.

Now THAT'S the kind of movie I'd PAY to go and see. This thing has "Blockbuster" written all over it. And I'm not talking about the Video store. If not, at least the art-house crowd would eat it up - especially when it came to Supe's finally tricking Mr. M into saying his name backwards. It would be one of those rare superhero movies that make you think and appreciate good dialogue.

Anyway, it sounds like a good movie to me. I'd go see it. But what do I no?

I'm just a guy with a libary card - and no seven-dollar televisons.

... Getting back to that fellow I was accosted by on my dog-walk this morning, upon learning of my library card, after he stopped laughing, his riposte was to bray like a braggart - "Ya, well I don't know HOW to read. But I do know how to SPELL. And I know there's a HOLE in ASS!!! And that's 'U,' Buddy!"

Well, I guess he told ME!

And that's how I started my day. It can only get better from here.

I'm Worried About Angelina - and Brad

Given her pedigree, I've always been worried about Angelina. She has been cursed to forever carry so much baggage around. And those big lips. And other big stuff. It has to take its toll.

All of which surprised me when I read in the tabloids recently that she is accused of being a home-wrecker in the lives of Malibu neighbours and fellow thespians Brad Pitt and Jennifer Alysonn, you know, that chick from 'Friends' - the blonde one.

What upset me most was - what did she ever even see in this vacuous lunkhead (who combined with his wife-at-the-time could barely put together two brain cells to rub against each other,) but women - man, no figuring them, is there?

And according to 'E-Talk Live' last night on Channel 10, now Ange is going to adopt a child (or twins or triplets,) with this guy. I admire her for that. She has a big heart. She's sort of like Mia Farrow, but without the pervert.

So on this Sunday morning, instead of going to Service, I shall be praying for Angelina. And the other guy too. Lame-brained lunkhead that he is.

Even though he is an adulterer and should burn in hel .... no, I am no one to judge. Who am I after all to cast aspersions? For one thing, but for the Grace of God, I could be Brad Pitt.

Free Press Disappointed to Have Non-Story Confirmed as Not Being a Story

London Free Press editor Margaret Atwood Jr. expressed disappointment today when this morning's front page story about London's Mayor Anne Marie using questionable ethics in pouring beer at her husband's sports bar was deemed a non-story by this town's foremost political authority, Andrew Sanction of the University of Western Ontario.

Atwood Jr. expressed disbelief at the lack of outrage over the fact that this town's most public personality was willing to be seen waiting on and serving the public in hubbie Tim Best's Friday Knights Live sports bar & great place to get wings.

In their attempt at mountain-building from molehills, Atwood Jr. went on to point out some of the other damning scandalous behavior documented in the Free Press in their investigative piece -

- particularly the headline item "Shopping frenzy at a Zellers store that left other customers in the dust!"

Turns out that not long ago, Her Worship, husband and a few friends stood in line outside a Zellers department store so they could snatch up the advertized "Door-Crasher Specials" on cheap patio chairs offered to anyone lacking in anything better to do at 8:00 on a Saturday morning.

Most galling of all was that the Mayor and Mr. Anne Marie, gleefully admitted that the chairs would be put to good use at Friday Nights Live.

"Seriously," queried Mr. Atwood Jr. - "is this any way for our Mayor to act?! Door-crasher specials? Racing through the store to get them before the other customers? Is that how democracy works? ... And c'mon - *Zellers*? Honestly - do they not have any door-crasher specials on lawn-chairs at The Bay? Tsk-tsk."

As usual, the Free Press missed the whole point of this story.

Instead of whether the Mayor's helping out in her husband's business was a conflict of interest (?), the more obvious question is whether or not, we as tax-payers in the City of London couldn't do a little better by the head of our Corporation than by simply paying her a little more money so she wouldn't have to be concerned about door-crasher specials on lawn chairs.

Maybe if we all sat down and thought about it, we'd come up with the obvious solution - that maybe if we paid her enough, then maybe the Mayor wouldn't have to have a part-time job working behind the bar pouring beer and putting melted Velveeta on nachos for a bunch of dumb lout sports jocks.

I mean, what's next? Slinging hash? Taking in laundry? I don't want to even think about the inevitable Free Press expose on her garage-sale spending habits.

Perhaps all us tax-payers should get together and suggest a raise.

... now that I think of it, there's a lot of fun to be had in a story like this and I hope one of our town's resident humorists get to it pronto.

For instance - if you go into Friday Knight Live and happen to be waited on by The Mayor, how much do you tip her? Or do you tip her at all? Or do you quickly down your beer before her eyes and say, "Sorry, I just got my property-tax bill in the mail today - you've already got enough of my money."

And how about if there's sloppy service? I look forward to the day I can have the mayor of my town draw me a pitcher off the draught pumps and then say, "Hey, Your Worship - how 'bout putting a head on this?"

Reminds me of the time I first met ex-Mayor Diane Haskett at one of Herman G's infamous Christmas parties. H and K's Christmas do's are always coveted invitation-only and thusly well-crowded events - even the stairs and the hallway are packed.

Half-way through the night, says me to Her Holiness Lady Mayor Diane - "Hey Your Worship - you're blockin' the door to the friggin' can!"