Stephane Dion Suspends Election Campaign - Races Back to Ottawa

Federal Liberal leader Stephane Dion today temporarily suspended his campaign to become Canada's next Prime Minister and has hastily returned to Ottawa to help fellow party-leadership candidate Bob Rae move into a new apartment.

Other federal leaders questioned Dion's motives. "Just a sad, pathetic excuse to get out of showing up for tomorrow night's televised leaders debate," said a spokesperson for incumbent Steven Harper. On the other hand, NDP leader Jack Layton referred to Dion's decision as "Grandstanding." Green Party leader Elizabeth May did not give a verbal response because she was rolling on the floor curled up with laughter. Gilles Duceppe of the Block Quebecers cited the move as yet another example of anti-Quebec sentiment. As he explained, "Hey, I'm a fellow Quebecois, and Stephane has never offered to help me move."

Dion, however, remains firm in his resolution to help Rae. "The U-Haul has already been paid for. And Bob is promising to pick up pizza and a two-four after the last trip."

He continued, "I call on all federal party leaders to take a non-partisan approach to this last-minute move. But the reality of the situation is that Bob is in crisis. His Mom has kicked him out of the house for breaking curfew two weeks in a row. And if Bob Rae is in crisis, so goes the nation.

"At this historic moment in Canda's ... uh, history, it is time for consensus-building," says Dion. "C'mon, you guys! We don't have a minute to lose!"

Me on TV - Behind the Scenes, the Untold Story!

There are many reasons I am voting for Monica Jarabek, my candidate from the Green Party in this coming federal election.

For one thing, she's a community activist with a good reputation and I've actually heard of her before. Secondly, she set up her campaign office right in my neighbourhood. Right around the corner on Stanley Street, betwixt the old Irene's Bridal Saloon and the variety store. I like to support local people. That's why I voted NDP in the last provincial election. Just because the guy lived on my street. Even had a lawn sign. Too bad he didn't bother to do any of that necessary door-to-door campaigning and finished a distant third.

I like it when a candidate goes door to door. I voted for Megan Walker when she first ran for City Council for that very reason. Showed up on my front porch one long-ago afternoon all by herself and explained why she was running. I like that in a person with political aspirations - the fact that they actually make the effort.

And that's another reason why I'm voting for Monica on October 14th. She showed up at my door yesterday.

Of course, there's also the fact that she's a babe. And I'm just superficial enough to admit that. And that's one reason why I won't be voting for Ed Holder who is running for the Conservative Party in my riding. Ed is a life-insurance agent and looks it. And I dread the day he shows up at my door not only before the election but after when he tries to sell me a insurance policy - "Sonny, have you given any thought about your retirement or what will happen to your loved ones once you are gone?"

BUT - the real reason I am voting for Monica is because of my young lad, 'Gnut' (TM,) also known as Frasier. When the Greens opened their office around the corner a couple of weeks ago, on my mid-day dog-walk I noticed a hand-written sign in the front window telling high-school students that if they volunteered to work on the campaign, their hours would go towards the required 40-hours of community service needed to graduate. Ever wonder why the drop-out rate is so high? Well, there's one reason. Thanks alot, Mike Harris.

So I told the boy about it and got little response. Because if he's like most other young people, he has no interest in politics. And I can't blame him. He's in high-school - he's witnessed first-hand from student-council elections that it's all just a popularity contest.

I suppose that's why he seldom reads the election or political coverage in the
Free Press or listens to Charles Adler or takes part in his parents' spirited supper-time debate/arguements about who has the best hair-cut - Steven Harper or Jack Layton.

So you can imagine my surprise last Friday when he calls me after school to say that he's at Monica's Green Party headquarters and he's volunteering. I tell you, I was so proud that I ordered in pizza for us for supper.

Once he got home, I asked him, 'Tell me son, when you got there and they asked you why you wanted to work for the Green Party, just how long was it before they realized that you know next to nothing about this election?" And he said, "Oh, about two minutes."

And I'm sure that when they asked why he wanted to be involved, he probably said something like, "Well, because the Greens are like all about the environment. And because Steven Harper is just a clone of George Bush." ... I can assure you, he doesn't get that from me.

And yet, they put him to work, made him feel welcome and he's been back pretty well every day since.

So yesterday, Jane the Dane is going nuts because someone is at the front door. I look and immediately recognize Monica even though we've never met. She's out door-to-dooring. I open the door and she has a cameraman/reporter from 'A-News' a.k.a. 'Channel 10' although it's really on channel 9.

Anyway, I quiet the dog, slick back my hair, tuck in my shirt, put out my fag, zip up my fly and open the door.

Monica introduces the TV journalist - he's Brian Bicknell. I seldom see 'F.Y.I.' anymore but enough times to know that he often does the political stories. And I've always appreciated the fact that unlike his co-workers, he has not succumbed to the 'hyper-active ninny' on-camera gesticulations where he seems to be swatting at flies as he walks down a sidewalk towards the camera for no apparent reason. That typifies most of the other reporters at 'News Now.' But Brian is an affable type, not gullible and seems to have fully-functioning grey matter up there. He's like co-worker/reporter Jerry Dewan, but with nicer shoes.

Even before I opened the door, I was thinking about what I would say to Monica when she asks if I'd be willing to support the Greens. I thought about how, as much as I admire Steven Harper's hair-cut, I was very disappointed in his opposition to Green Pary Leader Liz May being included in the upcoming Federal Leader Candidates Debate on TV. And then this week when he justified his $40 billion cut-back of Support for the Arts budget, with the reasoning of "Well, the only ones interested in this are the rich people."

So when I opened the door and greeted Monica, I said something or other when asked about would I consider the Greens.

And then launched into my real reason. And doing my best Ward Cleaver impersonation told the heart-warming tale about how they had welcomed my son and are giving him his first participation in the political process. And how proud I was of him.

And Monica was caught totally by surprise - "*OH,* that's *YOUR* son?!? We luuuuvvv Frasier!"

At this time, reporter Brian came up on the porch to start filming me close-up. After all this was human interest in a pretty boring election. I was giving them gold, baby, gold.

Unfortunately, all my close-ups ended up on the editing room floor.

Instead, it was just another door-to-door-by-the-underdog-candidate report. I was disappointed in it - but not surprised. We're talking about TV-London, man.

And I was very disappointed that my son didn't get to see people on TV talking about what a great kid he was. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the greatest father in the world, but every once in a while I manage to get things right. And this was one of them. So I am doubly disappointed that the rest of the world didn't get to hear about what a great Dad I am.

Instead, what they got was about a 10-second scene of me answering the door and being asked if I would support the Green party.

And I said I would. But when asked why, I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. "I like the Greens because they're all for the environment. And because Steven Harper is just like George Bush."

Area Senior Asked to Recycle Toe-nail Clippings

Hicksville senior citizen Ed 'Pops' Clausen is under pressure from a local environmental group to recycle his unswept toe-nail clippings.

Kerry Eveningstar of 'Residents for Environmental Protection NOW!' says that Clausen's clippings represent a safety hazard for everyone in the tri-county area. "Those things aren't bio-degradable. Even if he vacuumed them up they would be taking up valuable space in a land-fill for millions of years."

Eveningstar, who is also Clausen's son-in-law and lives with 'Pops' and his daughter Debbie says that Clausen trims his toe-nails on the front porch, never cleans up after himself and "quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of tripping over the damn things every time I go up and down the steps. Have you seen them? Man, they're like something out of the Petrified Forest."

When asked, Clausen says he has no problem with recycling his toe-nail shards, "As long as it will help keep the peace between Kerry and Debbie."

He adds that he plans to fashion the clippings into some form of jewelry to sell at swap meets. "Probably necklaces. Maybe even charm-bracelets if they catch on."

Why You Should Get to Know Me

Hi-Ho kids! Que pasa? Lots going on around here!

They're tearing down the Hotel Brunswick as we speak. The owner has evicted the upper floor tenants and gutting the top of the place. Or maybe people are just misinterpreting his actions. Maybe he's going to upgrade it into one of those swank 'boutique' hotels like they have in Toronto and cosmopolitan cities.

Two - not one but TWO national elections going on at the same time. But you know what, gang? I have to confess, with these two concurrent races happening, I don't have the same level of enthusiasm as I used to. As Huey Lewis once noted - "Politics is the refuge of the disillusioned and the disenfranchised." Me? I just can't get it up for it anymore.

But I like to keep current and so that's why I get my news from 'The Onion.' In fact, I go there daily for my "Morning Chuckle." I also like to check out the classified ad for 'Personal of the Day.' You know those small come-on ads with a photo of a good-looking young lady accompanied by a short quote about "Worse lie I ever told," or 'What's on my bed-side table right now."

Or my personal favorite - 'Why you should you get to know me.' And while reading one of them this morning, it occured to me that I can do better than "Because you like to live dangerously."

In fact, I do the same thing every day on my Facebook daily-planner. You know, that top of the page box where you type in 'What are you doing right now?' And you type in the rest of the sentence to 'Sonny is ...'

So below you will find my daily planner so far for the month of September. Later on I might blog about the election and that whole Steven Harper-Sarah Pollen battle but that can wait until I do my homework and read a newspaper or find out what Charles Adler thinks about it first.

... And AWAY, we GO!

TODAY,

Sonny is living dangerously!

Sonny is excited about his new 'Back to school' shoes. They're Tom McCann Specials!

Sonny is pissed off at his new Math teacher. Who the hell gives homework on the first day of school?

Sonny is ditching third-period French and going to McDonalds for lunch. Bonjour Royale with Cheese!

Sonny is playing Solitaire till dawn with a deck of 51.

Sonny is smoking cigarettes and watching 'Captain Kangaroo.'

Sonny is tired of being mistaken for Bono after getting his new tinted eyeglasses.

Sonny is refusing to be planted in your penthouse. He's going back home to his plough.

Sonny is very, very disappointed in the direction of the new 'Crabby Joes' radio commercials.

Sonny is urging all his supporters to vote for Hillary instead.

Sonny is Space-truckin'

Sonny is wondering how to top his U.F.O. sighting of last weekend.

Sonny is working on Top Secret plans to steal the X-1 back from the Soviets.

Sonny is wearing cut-off Levis swimming at the last pool party of the season at the Hunt Club.

Sonny is the new bass player in 'Punk Andropov.'

Sonny is using his Road Trip name 'Speed McQueen' all weekend when we go to Brantford.

Sonny is collecting jewels - chiefly rubies, hunting Big Game, painting a little, things for myself only. And trying to forget something very sad that happened to me long, long ago.

Sonny is packing the wife and child off to the cottage for the summer and inviting the new blonde in the apartment upstairs down for champagne and potato chips. That's just elegant.

Sonny is enjoying the challenges of the French Foreign Legion.

Sonny is dreaming he's rolling this big giant donut and then this snake comes along and

Sonny is picking up Swanson Hungry Man TV Dinners from No-Frills. It's going to be a Salisbury Steak Night!

Sonny is a rebel. A loner. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like him.

Sonny is digging the potato salad/corn-on-the-cob scene.

Sonny is all about the paella today.

Sonny is making modifications to his egg-salad recipe.

Sonny is doing research and then drawing up the blueprints for his April Fools prank.

Sonny is using the leftover cabbage from last night's Jiggs Dinner to make Bubble and Squeak today.

Sonny is celebrating wife Mavis' birthday today and is going to give her her 'real' present later.

Sonny is yelling 'Fire!' in the crowded movie theatre of Life.

... And that's how I spent my month.

Sonny Blogs the Sunday edition of the Free Press - LIVE!!!

As regular readers of this blog know, this past spring I cancelled my home-delivery subscription to London's only daily newspaper, The Free Press. After a quarter century.

The main reason had to do with service. The lack of it. Personified by my 'paper-boy' - a grown man driving a Pinto - who managed to forget our house every other day.

And then I realized that I could pretty well get the whole thing on-line - but that only confirmed what I had long been suspecting for years - that I wasn't missing anything.

There are two differences between the actual print edition and the on-line edition. The first is that you get blogs with the computer Free Press. And that's the thing I check out the most. Even though Dan Brown and James R. Junior are the only ones who understand the concept of a 'blog.' Being that you write about a 'topic' and if anyone bothers to 'comment' on it, you show them the good manners of replying.

Obviously the Editors don't get it. Between the three of them, they put out a new post about once a week and they never respond to comments. Shit, even I do better than that.

Freeps blogger Ian G. never did either - although I assume that was chiefly because his attitude was that he was busy enough doing his real job, let alone keeping an unpaid on-line diary. Ironically, he probably has lots of time on his hands these days now that his column has been taken away and he's being punished by being put on the copy-editing beat. Ian - years ago, management tried the same shit with Theatre Critic Doug and Movie Guy Noel. They both put up with it. They 'McCained' it through all that crap. Noel even got a part-time job as lead-singer for the rock band 'Oasis.' So hang in there, big fella!

And that brings us to the main difference between the on-line and the print version of the London Free Press. No Ann Landers, and no funnies. Which are the real reason most people get the paper. Because other than crank letters to the editor, the funnies and Letters to a Dead Advice Lady, are the only guaranteed entertainment in the entire newspaper.

And I am being charitable here. Because 95 per-cent of the 'funnies' aren't. Once or twice a week 'Bizarro' is good. 'Retail' is usually worth a wry grin - when it isn't being political instead of showing off Marla's perky breasts. Same with 'Zits.'

And so what do you have left? 'Crankshaft' - I like that. 'Sherman's Lagoon' - not bad but too wordy. 'Henry' - not bad, but again - too wordy. 'Funky Winterbean' is hardly ever even about 'Funky' - and for good reason. What an asshole. And I'm getting a little tired of the goateed English teacher whose wife died from cancer last week. As for 'Better or For Worst' - don't even get me started.

Besides, since blogger Doug Rogers hipped me onto houstonchronicle.com I get my daily fix for the funnies right there. And the joy of becoming reacquainted with old friends. They're all there. 'Blondie,' 'Peanuts,' 'Dick Tracy,' 'Rex Morgan, Mister Doctor,' 'Marmaduke,' 'Family Circus.' Even 'Beetle Bailey.' Pretty well everything but 'Andy Capp.'

And that's the part of the newspaper I miss the most. That guaranteed 'Your Morning Chuckle' - whether it came from Ann Landers ("is this another prank letter from the boys at Yale?") or Dagwood Bumstead. For most of the last half-century, that's been part of my morning ritual. Coffee, cigarette, newspaper. Save the funnies and Ann Landers till the end. Something I learned from my kids when they started school and taking a lunch - Save the Best for Last.

Prior to that, reading the paper was an afternoon thing. Because when I was a kid, a newspaper came out in three editions - morning, afternoon and the 'late' edition - which you only bought if the Broadway play you were appearing in was being reviewed.

One thing I'll say about my parents - never an arguement in front of the kids, and always a newspaper on the kitchen table.

So you were a kid and didn't drink coffee so you took the paper to the living room and read it while your Mom was watching her 'stories' or your Dad was watching 'Truth or Consequences' or 'I've Got a Secret.' The thing is, for most of my life, sitting down with a newspaper in my lap has been a daily thing. And I kind of miss it.

That's why I didn't object too much when Mavis got an offer she couldn't refuse from a telephone solicitor who was pimping the London Free Press. Two bucks a week for delivery. Why that's the same price as the Saturday edition of the Free Press alone.

Well, turns out that the fellow on the phone misrepresented himself - because that's exactly what we got. Home delivery of the Saturday paper. FOR TWO BUCKS!!! A savings which translates to 'Nothing.' Whatta deal!

Anyway, I've already cancelled. Because you know, despite it's nation-wide reputation as 'The Worse Daily Newspaper in all of Canada,' I LIKE the London Free Press. I understand the problems with the economy, blah, blah, blah which makes them run a skeleton operation. It's happened in all of the media where two companies own everything. And if the paper is lame, it's not because of the writers - it's because there isn't enough of them.

Now, as for Customer Service. There isn't any. When you don't get your paper that morning you have two options. Complain. Or don't waste your time or breath because in the time it takes to get through to someone, you could have read the entire damn paper, word by word.

And the Free Press knows this too. You didn't get your paper this morning? You call a number out of the phone book. Which tells you to phone another number to register your complaint. The arrogance ia just amazing.

So anyway, Mavis orders the paper over the phone from some smooth-talkin' mutha-fukka, ya know what I sayin'? It came last Saturday. Three days later, an invoice was hand-delivered. THIS Saturday, no paper. We're talking the second delivery date here.

I call up, I dodge that recorded message bit about typing in your area code and phone number if your paper hasn't arrived and I press 'O' so I can talk to a live person. I register my complaint. I retell the story about why I cancelled after 25 years, I tell him that in our latest round that so far the paperboy is batting 50-50 after only two weeks - and that's when the polite young man on the other end reassures me that a replacement Saturday Free Press is on it's way to my house - and that he is also sending a note to the paper-boy about the importance of good quality service.

Long story short - the Saturday paper never arrived. But this morning we got the Sunday edition of the paper. Which takes about two minutes tops to read.

Are you doubting me? Well, I have it right in front of me. Let's have a little look-see shall we?

Front page - colour photo of kids on a ride at the Western Fair. Nice shot as always by Morris Lamont. But quite frankly, since the Fair opened on Friday, I expected this to be the front-page photo in yesterday's edition. And it's the sort of thing that could be slotted in any day of the week really. And it has 'The Londoner' written all over it.

Page 2 from our local paper - the headline "Excitement in Woodstock over Toyota plant wanes as everyone is laid off." That's half the page. Alongside the copy, they don't have a photo of the proposed auto plant. Or even a snap-shot of someone's Toyota in the Free Press parking lot. Instead, we have a photo of a guy in front of a hand-made sign reading 'Cemetary.'

Cemetary, not being Woodstock (because London rightfully claimed those rights years ago before giving the suburbs such names as 'Sunningdale' and 'Missisauga's Envy',) but it was time for the annual autumn story about some farmer who makes a maze out of his corn-field because the profit in corn has been so bad in the past decade even though one third of the world is starving - and this year he's gone with a Zombie motif.

Page 3 - big story about mazes in corn fields. By one of the Free Press' summer staff.

Page 4 - full page story (meaning no ads,) with the headline- "Literacy's awful truths." Lead sentence - "Quick now, would you know if your reading and writing skills weren't up to snuff?" ... quick now - do you really give a shit?

Page 5 - Headline - "Fanshawe 'disgusted' by students' behavior." As are we all. And underneath the story was a photo of three good-looking first-year Western girls on a street corner of downtown London going out of their way to harass the innocent for spare change for Jerry's Kids. Easily the most obnoxious annoying students one can encounter on Shinerama Day which marks the first weekend of 'Students Back' - time to raise the rent and ignore the loud bad music - personally, I think I'd rather spend the night on Fleming Drive than with any of the rejects from 'Girls Gone Wild.'

Page 6 - to show there was a story to go along with the front page colour photo of the midway at Western Fair, we have a story with the headline "Fair boasts new exhibits but familiar food and fun." So instead of writing about how they kicked all those people who knew how to knit, grow big pumpkins and take nice pictures, we have a story about how the Progress Building has been turned over to the 'LifeStyles' crowd. And big women selling scooters.

Page 7 - James Junior writing about some London guy I never heard of from the olden days. But they gave him a whole page for it. So bless you for that James.

Pages 8 to whatever - are about the World and Nation. Another federal election blah, blah, blah, ending with a photo of the just-quit president of the Canadian Auto Workers Buzz Hargrove smooching with his wife at yesterday's CAW national convention. A little sugar on the jaw?!? That's it? She's a blonde bombshell! I don't know - maybe his heart really does belong to that Steven Dionne guy.

Page 11 - top of the page and a two-paragraph story on "Bhutto widower sweeps election." Probably the biggest news story of the past month but it's page 11 here, overtop a three-quarters page ad for The Grandstand shows at the Western Fair.

Page 12 - even though it's not in the ENTS section - the page is devoted to the Toronto Film Festival. Because the Free Press is owned by a Toronto conglomerate and so they have to run this hype. Even though no one reading the paper will go there, or even see any movies that are premiered there. Except for that new art-house flick with Brad Pett.

Page 13 is an ad. And it occurs to me at this point - where are all the stories about vice-president candidate Sarah Pollen? Does anyone on the Free Press editorial board even watch CNN?

No page 15 because that's where the paper takes on it's Sunday-only 'tabloid' format - and we have the Travel Section. Cover story goes by the headline 'Unseen Arkansas." That pretty well says it all but there's another two pages inside devoted to the subject.

Next page in 'Travel' - the headline, "Exceptional Essex a perfect getaway." You know, I've always enjoyed reading the weekend Travel section on any newspaper. Far away places, exotic locales, nude beaches and hotels you could never afford to stay in. But ESSEX?!? I can appreciate the idea of promoting semi-local tourist spots but even as someone who was raised in Windsor, Ont. - the county seat of Essex County, even I gag on the phrase 'Exceptional Essex.' Other than the illiteration value, that's a designation worthy of a class-action lawsuit. Shit, it would take a plane crash to make me visit that dump of a town.

Due to tabloid format the next page is the ENT section. The name of which translates into the 'Entertainment' section and the reason for the recent nationwide increase in the suicide rate of English and linguistic teachers.

The big story - the DVD release of the 'Charlie Chan' film franchise from the late 1940s. Years ago, I happen to have wasted many Saturday afternoons watching these things on TV - but is there an actual market for this stuff? Is it even worthy of a Cover Section story in a lame middle-American newspaper? Especially since in typically-Hollywood fashion, the guy who played 'Charlie' wasn't even Chinese.'

Next page - the best thing about the Sunday Free Press - reprints of the best monologue jokes from Late Night Television - Letterman to Leno and Jimmy K and even Craig the Scottish guy. They all have quips about the next Vice-President Sarah Polley. I wish they'd ease up and give her a break. I like her. I hope they get Sally Field to play her in real life.

Next page, the Sports Section - which is one-third of the actual paper. Even though all the scores are a day out of date.

End of sports section - on a weather forcast page - and the end of the ENT section across the spread. "Lots of skin on the tube," is the headline about the new fall TV season, accompanied by a colour photo of the cast of the new '90210' in a hot-tub. Pretty bland-looking cast. Diverse though. There's a guy who looks like a black version of IIIIan Ziering and a long-haired chick with a headband and one-piece leopard-skin bathing suit imported directly from the Isle of Lesbos. The rest look pretty supermodel boring in that 'Everybody Loves Raymond' sort of way. Me? Put Tori
Spelling in a bikini and I'm happy.

Page E-10 two pages of the Weekend Colour Funnies - even though one page of them are in black and white. Only in London. And with the dubious exception of 'Monty' - none of them are funny.

ENT page 12 - Top 5 Catty Remarks about David Duchovney's alleged 'sex addiction.' I don't know about you, but other than J. Edgar Hoover, there is probably no one's sex life that I am the least bit interested in than David Duchovney. Well, maybe David Spade. The first time we got a glimpse in Mulder's apartment - in like season three of 'X-Files' - and we saw a copy of 'Gents Only,' on his coffee-table, we pretty well knew everything we needed to know about David Duche.

Down to the last three pages of the paper before the Classified Ads pages. First page of three - the one devoted to National Affairs - goes by the headline, "Who'll Impress voters more, Harper or Dion?" Accompanied by a photo of John McCain working the crowd in Denver last week.

Next page - for a paper that brags about being LOCAL, there's nothing in the Editorial Section that's written by anyone who actually lives in this town. Only a few typically illiterate Letters to the Editor and the (Sunday only) 'Reader to Reader' which takes up an entire page.

No local voices. No Sean Twist. No Carmi. No Butch Maclarty. Herman G reduced from three times a week to now once every three weeks. They regulary get scooped by The Londoner on stories that are a month old and ...

... oh, what the hell. We get to the end of the paper and it's the only reason I even pick it up anymore.

The Obits. That's newsroom talk for 'The Obituaries.' Delegated to last page in the Free Press - the other side of an ad for a Used Car Dealershit. Life's kinda like that too though I guess.

Well, even in my shitty little blog here I can offer better than that - so let's all bow our heads and hope it was a good passing for -

ANTONY, Abraham "Abie"

COERT, Caroline Rynep - 94 years.

CUNNINGHAM, Beverly - 76.

GROVER, Gordon - 70.

KING, Donald "Wayne" 59.

McIntyre, Doris - 91.

... I guess that's why I'll keep buying that rag. Because of guys like "Abie" and Donald "Wayne" King. Shit man, cuz the name 'Donald' ain't dorky enough? Good luck once you get through the Pearly Gates brutha. Hope they ain't too much like Grade 9.
And remember - up there - everyone is a King. But even with such dorky first and middle names, you knew that all along anyway. Didn't you?