Harper Reveals Secret Agenda in Throne Speech

Bowing to left-wing media pressure, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has finally released the long-awaited Conservative's 'secret agenda,' in yesterday's throne speech. For Canada's liberal media, it was worst than expected but not as bad as they had feared. For one thing, the Supreme Court decision allowing same-sex marriage will be overturned. Gay marriages that took place prior to that time will be allowed to remain on the books. However, those recently married same-sex couples have to return all their wedding gifts. ....... Regarding abortion laws, a woman's right to choose will not disappear. No new legislation will be introduced which would make it illegal to have an abortion. However, it will be illegal to perform an abortion. ..... Direct child-care allowance will be tied to new child labor laws. Children under the age of 10 must perform a weekly minimum of 20 hours a week of community service to be entitled to the annual $1,200 stipend stipulated to go towards room and board. .... A new line of succession bill will reflect efforts in maintaining good relations with the United States. Should a Prime Minister die or become incapacitated before his term is finished, he will be replaced by the current reigning American president. Even if that happens to be George Bush ....... As for his promise to "Get Tough on Crime," which many feel was largely responsible for the Conservative landslide victory in the recent election, it is now legal for all Canadian citizens to carry hand-guns. However, only white property-owners over the age of 40 will be permitted to purchase ammunition. ........... New libel legislation will be introduced to enforce that any Toronto smarty-pants journalists or media gad-flys named 'Leah McLaren' who make fun of Harper's waist-line or wardrobe shall have to wear a fishing vest to work for no less than one week, but no more than a month depending on the severity of the snotty remark. ........ Harper also managed to enrage monarchists and Quebecers alike in one fell swoop by eliminating the position of the Queen's Representative - that of the Governer-General. The one bright note of the whole speech was when current G.G. Michelle Jean read her own lay-off notice.