James Loney Releases 'To-Do' List for March 31/06

In his daily press conference, the once again openly-gay recently-released hostage andChristian peace activist James Loney announced his plans for Friday, March 31st. "I'm really looking forward to doing my own laundry for the first time in four months. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed the simple joy of separating my whites from my coloreds." Loney then elaborated on how he was also looking forward to transferring the wet clothes to the dryer - something he said he also hadn't done in a long time. When asked if he was planning to clean out the lint tray of the dryer, Loney declined comment, and again, as he does with all his daily press conferences, he asked the press to respect his right to privacy and repeated his wish to get back to a normal life. //////////////// In yesterday's press conference, Loney spoke with passion of his morning spent washing his family's breakfast dishes. It was something he had been denied by his Iraqui insurgent captors during his four month ordeal. Although, he added, he bears them no ill will for this. He also spoke enthusiastically of the trip he had made that morning all by himself to the barber-shop four blocks from his parent's Sault Ste. Marie home. "It was the most fun I've had in years," bragged Loney. In attendance at yesterday's press conference, Playboy foreign corresondent Hugh Hefner could be seen giggling like one of the blonde schoolgirls he had on each arm at Loney's sad declaration. At the same time, Loney's same-sex partner Dan Hunt was visibly squirming in his chair with the uncomfortable look of one who suddenly feels like chopped liver. //////////////////////// Meanwhile in a bombed-out concrete bunker in Iraq, Hussein Fabuulah, one of Loney's captors told the press that Loney seemed like a good guy at first but quickly became a pain in the neck. "Oh Allah, I tell you we couldn't get rid of the infidel fast enough. He was like that kidnapped kid in that O. Henry story, you know the one I mean? He was driving us crazy! Can he sweep? Can he mop? Can he tidy up for us? Do we know that he loves us despite all our threats of torture? And that he didn't think of us as fanatical bloodthirsty amoral insurgents - but rather as 'misunderstood.' At one point he asked for a razor and we gave it to him hoping he might slash his wrists with it. Turns out he just wanted to shave. And then he offered to shave us! Whatever you do, for Allah's sake - please, please, please do not give James back his passport. Do not give him our address. We let him go on purpose. We don't want him back." ///////////////////// Back in Sault Ste. Marie, Loney issued his third press release of the morning, saying that anyone who wants to know more about his attempts to quietly fit back into society can read it for themselves in his daily blog on his website, www. jamesloney. the. internet