The Secret to a Great Wake

Long-time readers of this blog will remember Howard ("Howie") Engleman who passed away back in the March archives (the Remarkable Life entry.) Anyway, they finally had his memorial service last night. George Clark told the funniest story. It seems a priest, a rabbi, Howie and a duck walk into this lesbian bar and there's a kangaroo pouring drinks. But I forget the punchline so there's no point in telling the rest of the story. .............. Pretty good turnout and we gave Howie a fine send-off, if I do say so myself. But it always amazes me what you learn at this kind of event. For instance, Newt Riley got up and talked about the days he worked with Howie at the Dominion store downtown on York Street when they were in high school. Both had started out as bag-boys but Howie had a bad habit of juggling the cans before he placed them into the paper grocery bags, invariably on top of the customers' bread or fruit prone to bruising - but never on eggs, pointed out Newt. Howie had a great respect for eggs. ........ So Howie was promoted to part-time produce clerk. And that's when he realized that he could no longer work for 'The Man.' Actually, this information was imparted directly to Howie from the store manager in the form of a pink slip and this clever quip cruelly delivered in front of all the check-out girls. "In this store we are family. We are a team. And Howie, there is no 'U' in 'team.' Now, beat it." .... And what had Howie done to be rewarded in such a callous fashion? He had tried to increase sales. He had gotten a black magic marker and wrote on all the watermelons - "Guess the number of seeds - and win a prize!" Turns out you're supposed to run that stuff by management first. .... Well, it all turned out for the best. Howie realized then and there that he wasn't a time-card person. He couldn't work for anyone else but himself as the boss. Of course, this was long before the years that would produce not one but two Nobel Prizes. ....... Interestingly enough, it was Howie's time in the deli-section of the supermarket which led to those Nobel prizes and why his memorial wake was such a success last night. As stipulated in his will, the only food to be served was egg-salad sandwiches. And this is the important part (and also plays no small role in why he was awarded the first of those Nobels,) - the sandwiches must be cut on a diagonal. Howie revolutionized the way in which sandwiches are presented as apres-funeral food and this concept was quickly adapted by planners of bridal showers and corporate lunches everywhere. Prior to this, the 'straight cut' was considered by the upper-crust of society to be the only way to slice a sandwich in half. But from his days as a teen working in the market, Howie realized that with the straight cut, egg salad would fall out of the sandwich right after the first bit. However, if you were to cut the bread on a diagonal, then one can hold the triangle-shaped section in one hand, take a bite from one end, a bite from the other end and then polish off the remaining centre section in your fingertips by simply popping it in your mouth. This method not only prevents egg-salad mixture from falling out the sides of the sandwich (which invariably begin to droop after that first bite,) but also frees up the other hand so that one can hold a drink at the same time. .... Of course, at the time, his unorthodox methods earned Howie the wrath of the old-guard of the catering world - and the nickname "Slash." But eventually, the beautiful simplicity of this utilitarian approach to sandwich cutting caught on. Before long, Howie had expanded the concept with equal success on devilled-ham sandwiches, salmon, tuna and eventually even deli-sliced turkey and roast beef with a twig of lettuce in between. In time, he also pioneered the practice of "quartering" those sandwiches to yield four mini-sandwiches instead of two, thus doubling both quantity and the enjoyment of the funeral guest. .... They once called him "Madman." In the end, they all called him "Nobel-Prize Winner." .... And I can personally attest to his genius - you just can't have a good wake without a good egg-salad sandwich.