Another Crappy Day at Work
Memo - It has come to the attention of store management that an excessive amount of toilet paper has been used as of late in the staff washroom. Please limit the amount of toilet paper you consume as we are going through it more quickly than should be neccesary. The complimentary free toilet paper policy should not be abused. Remember, toilet paper in the workplace is not a right, nor a priviledge. It is something we in management do for our Team.
So that's the first thing I see on the memo board in the break room at the shitty grocery store where I stock shelves for a living. Good ol' Too-Save Grocery - where management has all the sensitivity of a toilet seat.
About an hour later, I'm working in the canned vegetable aisle and Dave the manager comes over and sidles up to me with that big shit-eating grin of his. He likes me and thinks we're friends because we both root for the Maple Leafs.
"So, Hank - what do you think of the toilet-paper situation?" he asks. Of course, I had no idea there was a "situation," I just assumed that Dave was being his usual overly-eager memo-writing asshole self.
Nope. No such thing. Turns out that Dave thinks that someone has been stealing extra rolls from the staff washroom. But before he gets to the point, he's like all-buddy-buddy with me, obviously trying to see what I know by leading me on with questions like, "So Hank - how many sheets of toilet paper do you yourself generally use when you take a shit? I'm a five-square man myself. For a maximum of five wipes. Anything more is waste as far as I'm concerned. You with me, amigo?"
Well, how do you answer a question like that? And then he asks me if I've ever heard anyone blowing their nose excessively in the staff washroom. "You know, we keep a box of complimentary Kleenex in the break room for a reason. But I'll be damned if people ever use it to blow their nose. No, they use it to wipe lipstick off their face. They use it to clean their glasses. They even use it to clean up coffee spills - even though there's a complimentary roll of paper towels right over there by the sink. And then , they go into the bathroom, grab about two feet of toilet paper and use that to blow their friggin' nose!"
"You know Hank, I think it's all a matter of what's wrong with kids today. It's not responsible adults like you and me that are doing this - it's those students. Just here for the summer or a weekend job. Making the scene, misusing toilet paper or using eight or nine squares when five squares would have been sufficient.
"And I'll tell you another thing. I think I know who's behind all this toilet paper disappearing so fast. And I'll let you in on a little secret - I also think he's been stealing whole rolls as well. I've done a little inventory on my own and I've counted the number of rolls under the sink and then the number of empty cardboard rolls in the garbage can at the end of each shift. And Hank, the numbers don't match up! I'm pretty sure I know who the culprit is, and when I catch the bum coming out of the washroom with a fresh roll in his bag, that guy's ass is mine! And I'm gonna shit-can his ass out of here! Because a person like that obviously isn't Too-Save Grocery material. And I'll tell him too!"
And then he stomped off towards the front probably so he could pump the check-out girls for any leads.
And I'm left standing there, a can of Libby's beans in one hand, a can of Green Giant miniature cob corn in the other, and I'm thinking - What the hell was that all about? TOILET PAPER? ...MISSING TOILET PAPER?... Possibly stolen toilet paper?
For a moment, I thought of running after Dave. "Hey, man - it's only toilet paper! Who gives a shit! We got packages of it two aisles over in the paper-goods department next to the napkins. Bundles of the stuff - twenty rolls in a jumbo package; twelve rolls in a mid-size; a minimum of four in the small size. And in the back, we have frickin' skids of it piled to the ceilings. It's not like there's any shortage in the store of this stuff. It's not like there's an expiry or best-before date on toilet paper. It's not like there's a lumber shortage in the world. Relax, man!
And that's just what I did. And Dave looked at me with a disappointed look on his face. "Hank, you just don't get it do you? It's not like this stuff grows on trees or something." And walks away.
That's when I started thinking, "Shit man, maybe Dave's right. What if someone is stealing toilet paper? They wouldn't be just stealing from the store. Or our employer. They would also be stealing from the rest of us. From their co-workers who rely on a guaranteed supply of toilet paper in the staff washroom. There are no customer washrooms in grocery stores so I wasn't concerned about them. Quite frankly, in this quadrant of the retail universe, we don't really give a shit about customers. People will always need groceries. So they'll always be there. Coming in to take advantange of their coupons and sales. Trying to save a quarter.
And then it started to really bother me. I mean, who the hell would steal toilet paper? Maybe it was slack-assed Henderson in produce. Or that oaf Jones in the deli section. No, couldn't be Jones. That guy don't even run his hands under the taps before he comes outta the can.
And then it occured to me - why am I even thinking about this? In fact, whatthafuk am I still even doing at this same crappy job that I got after my unemployment benefits ran out after I quit college two years ago? Is this what my life has come to - worrying about this kinda shit?
Coupla hours later, I'm on my break and having a well-deserved crap in the staff washroom. And notice that there's no toilet paper. Three feet away from me, taped to the wall at eye-level when you are in a sitting position is a a mimeographed piece of paper. Memo - It has come to the attention of store management that an excessive amount of toilet paper has been .....
Shit.
So that's the first thing I see on the memo board in the break room at the shitty grocery store where I stock shelves for a living. Good ol' Too-Save Grocery - where management has all the sensitivity of a toilet seat.
About an hour later, I'm working in the canned vegetable aisle and Dave the manager comes over and sidles up to me with that big shit-eating grin of his. He likes me and thinks we're friends because we both root for the Maple Leafs.
"So, Hank - what do you think of the toilet-paper situation?" he asks. Of course, I had no idea there was a "situation," I just assumed that Dave was being his usual overly-eager memo-writing asshole self.
Nope. No such thing. Turns out that Dave thinks that someone has been stealing extra rolls from the staff washroom. But before he gets to the point, he's like all-buddy-buddy with me, obviously trying to see what I know by leading me on with questions like, "So Hank - how many sheets of toilet paper do you yourself generally use when you take a shit? I'm a five-square man myself. For a maximum of five wipes. Anything more is waste as far as I'm concerned. You with me, amigo?"
Well, how do you answer a question like that? And then he asks me if I've ever heard anyone blowing their nose excessively in the staff washroom. "You know, we keep a box of complimentary Kleenex in the break room for a reason. But I'll be damned if people ever use it to blow their nose. No, they use it to wipe lipstick off their face. They use it to clean their glasses. They even use it to clean up coffee spills - even though there's a complimentary roll of paper towels right over there by the sink. And then , they go into the bathroom, grab about two feet of toilet paper and use that to blow their friggin' nose!"
"You know Hank, I think it's all a matter of what's wrong with kids today. It's not responsible adults like you and me that are doing this - it's those students. Just here for the summer or a weekend job. Making the scene, misusing toilet paper or using eight or nine squares when five squares would have been sufficient.
"And I'll tell you another thing. I think I know who's behind all this toilet paper disappearing so fast. And I'll let you in on a little secret - I also think he's been stealing whole rolls as well. I've done a little inventory on my own and I've counted the number of rolls under the sink and then the number of empty cardboard rolls in the garbage can at the end of each shift. And Hank, the numbers don't match up! I'm pretty sure I know who the culprit is, and when I catch the bum coming out of the washroom with a fresh roll in his bag, that guy's ass is mine! And I'm gonna shit-can his ass out of here! Because a person like that obviously isn't Too-Save Grocery material. And I'll tell him too!"
And then he stomped off towards the front probably so he could pump the check-out girls for any leads.
And I'm left standing there, a can of Libby's beans in one hand, a can of Green Giant miniature cob corn in the other, and I'm thinking - What the hell was that all about? TOILET PAPER? ...MISSING TOILET PAPER?... Possibly stolen toilet paper?
For a moment, I thought of running after Dave. "Hey, man - it's only toilet paper! Who gives a shit! We got packages of it two aisles over in the paper-goods department next to the napkins. Bundles of the stuff - twenty rolls in a jumbo package; twelve rolls in a mid-size; a minimum of four in the small size. And in the back, we have frickin' skids of it piled to the ceilings. It's not like there's any shortage in the store of this stuff. It's not like there's an expiry or best-before date on toilet paper. It's not like there's a lumber shortage in the world. Relax, man!
And that's just what I did. And Dave looked at me with a disappointed look on his face. "Hank, you just don't get it do you? It's not like this stuff grows on trees or something." And walks away.
That's when I started thinking, "Shit man, maybe Dave's right. What if someone is stealing toilet paper? They wouldn't be just stealing from the store. Or our employer. They would also be stealing from the rest of us. From their co-workers who rely on a guaranteed supply of toilet paper in the staff washroom. There are no customer washrooms in grocery stores so I wasn't concerned about them. Quite frankly, in this quadrant of the retail universe, we don't really give a shit about customers. People will always need groceries. So they'll always be there. Coming in to take advantange of their coupons and sales. Trying to save a quarter.
And then it started to really bother me. I mean, who the hell would steal toilet paper? Maybe it was slack-assed Henderson in produce. Or that oaf Jones in the deli section. No, couldn't be Jones. That guy don't even run his hands under the taps before he comes outta the can.
And then it occured to me - why am I even thinking about this? In fact, whatthafuk am I still even doing at this same crappy job that I got after my unemployment benefits ran out after I quit college two years ago? Is this what my life has come to - worrying about this kinda shit?
Coupla hours later, I'm on my break and having a well-deserved crap in the staff washroom. And notice that there's no toilet paper. Three feet away from me, taped to the wall at eye-level when you are in a sitting position is a a mimeographed piece of paper. Memo - It has come to the attention of store management that an excessive amount of toilet paper has been .....
Shit.
posted by Sonny Drysdale at 8:38 AM
3 Comments:
Under the circumstances, why don't do what Osama bin Laden and his cronies do in the caves of the Hindu Kush and slip your left hand back there and give it a twisted wipe with the back of your hand.
Then get a dog, donkey, goat or camel to lick your left hand off (That's why they always keep a pinch or two of sugar in a little bag hanging off their belts -- to sprinkle on their left hand and entice the animals).
It's even better if you've got some monkey blood in you as longer arms make the left-hand ass-wipe treatment that much easier.
I'll tell you a true story about the brain surgeons up at the old Steinburg's store at 1080 Adelaide Street North in London.
Back in the late 1960s, a local refrigeration outfit which shall remain nameless installed "new" refrigeration (copper) lines in the store.
In reality, they put in old copper lines that they'd ripped out of another store in the recent past, but charged for new.
Funny how that works, eh?
Meanwhile back at the ranch a 16-year-old kid gets spoonfed a baloney chub about not working fast enough when in truth they didn't want to pay him union wages.
It was probably the union, Pops. YOu were working so hard and doing such a great job, you were making the rest of them look bad. ... story of my life, now that I think of it.
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