Doctor Graham Poulet, the Middlesex-London medical officer of health is calling for a ban on all domestic and work-place cussing. Citing an opinion by school-board trustee and amateur psychologist Peter Gaffe, linking the use of profanity with the abuse of women, children and Amish hockey players, Dr. Poulet says that in his experience most foul-language is inflicted by men.
Poulet says that eliminating words such as 'shit,' 'cocksucker' and 'ass-faced tit-head' from the workplace would be the first step in eradicating swear words from all aspects of modern society.
"And just imagine what it would be like for our children to grow up in homes where they don't have to endure such obscenity-laden phrases as "lazy fat
bastard" or "dream-squelching
bitch," he adds.
Poulet elaborates, "Once we become accustomed to our homes, construction sites, factories, operating rooms and teachers' lounges as 'fricking'-free zones, it is only a matter of time before taverns, golf courses, locker-rooms and Chippendale's Ladies-Only Nights will also become places where a Londoner can feel safe and not have to worry about hearing comments about 'hooters' or the comparative size of the male sex-organ or 'my ass and your face' everytime I ask someone for a match."
Poulet then referenced the just-released tapes of the "suicide manifesto" by the killer in the Virginia Tech Massacre. "Hear that," he pointed out when playing the tape for reporters at his hastily-called press conference - "There it is again - 'F-word this' and 'f-word that.' My friends, two hours after those words were spoken, 30 lives were fukkin' lost."
When asked about how some have accused him of being a professional busy-body, a media whore and London's self-appointed hall-monitor, Poulet simply shrugged. When asked if - as the Medical officer of Health - his time might be better spent on more pressing job-related concerns - such as lobbying the federal and provincial governments to reduce waiting times, increase the number of hospital beds and hire more doctors and nurses, Pollet replied that things are always a bit slow around the office this time of year - and that no one ever listens to him anyway. He then muttered something about "that bastard Gaffe always getting the headlines."
But he's not ready to give up yet on this week's project to get himself on the radio and in the paper, maybe even on the TV news.
"Think about it," he implores - "a world free from 'pee-pee's' , 'wee-wee's and 'Git outta ma face yu butt-uglii muthafukka!' ... Really, is that too much to ask?"
