Man Unable to Get Laid After Stevie Nicks Concert
Middleaged-single Dwight Schmidlapt went home alone following last night's Stevie Nicks concert at downtown London's John Labatts Centre. It was a disappointing evening all around for Schmidlapt who laid out $125 for a single ticket on the floor close to the stage.
"I figured the place would be full of chicks in their late 40s, early 50s reliving their youth with a night of wild rockin' abandon with their girl-friends," says Schmidlapt. "So I got a ticket to put me right in the midst of all that post-menopausal hormonal action. I thought I would be about the only guy there. How could I go wrong?"
However, although Schmidlapt's calculations were close to being accurate - the ratio of women to men at the concert was ten to one, witnesses in Section 1 of floor-seating for the show report that Schmidlapt blew it by pissing off everyone around him.
"Starting with the first song, Edge of Seventeen, he was getting on people's nerves by loudly sqawking out the chorus 'Woo-woo-who' and flapping his arms like a chicken," says Yvonne Cooperman who was standing next to Schmidlapt near the stage. "And everytime Stevie finished a song, he would yell out 'You go, girl!' And I mean after every song! Finally after he yelled it out five times in a row after Stevie sang her ballad Landslide, the one that always makes me cry - I got my husband to tell him to shut the fuck up."
Michelle Powers, who works at the same office-supply firm as Schmidlapt says she could see him from her own vantage point of ten rows back but didn't say hello or even let him know she was there because he was making such an asshole of himself.
"Dwight was really trying too hard to get laid by letting all the women around him know what a big Stevie Nicks fan he is," says Powers. "But the thing is, every time there was a lull in the music or a quiet moment in Stevie's song-introductions, he would yell out for her to sing, You Make Lovin' Fun. You know, from the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album? Well, shit, everyone knows that's a Christie McVie song!
"And when it came time for the encore and Dwight - trying to be funny I guess, starts yelling 'Don't Stop' - yet another song by McVie from Rumors I might add - well let's put it this way, judging by the looks I saw every woman in the place giving him, Dwight might as well have shipped his dick home in a cab right then and there, because he certainly wasn't going to be using it that night."
After the concert, Schmidlapt stood alone at the bar across the street in Robinson Hall, nursing a Tequila Sunrise while surrounded by horny middle-aged women in the process of rapidly getting drunk and losing all their inhibitions with any man who could reasonably fake his way through an explanation to the meaning of Rhiannon - and who all stood a well-defined distance of ten feet away from him.
"Where did I go wrong," he asked this reporter. "I had it all figured out. The demographics were perfect. The right age-group, the perfect chick-friendly performer. The fact that women would rather go see her with their girlfriends and the fact that their boyfriends would be just as happy to stay home and watch the Jays game on TV. I had it all worked out. You know, in a perfect world, I would be getting laid right now. In fact, I even picked up a used record of Fleetwood Mac's 1969 album Then Play On that I was going to put on the stereo for while we were in the sack. See what I mean? I thought of everything."
Schmidlapt, ever the optimist, then brightened and said, "But don't count me out of the game yet. In two weeks, Gwen Stefani is coming to town. I'll have better results with that crowd. I don't really know many of her songs, but I did see her new video for a song called Candyman on MuchMusic the other day and it was pretty catchy. Hey, how can I go wrong?"
"I figured the place would be full of chicks in their late 40s, early 50s reliving their youth with a night of wild rockin' abandon with their girl-friends," says Schmidlapt. "So I got a ticket to put me right in the midst of all that post-menopausal hormonal action. I thought I would be about the only guy there. How could I go wrong?"
However, although Schmidlapt's calculations were close to being accurate - the ratio of women to men at the concert was ten to one, witnesses in Section 1 of floor-seating for the show report that Schmidlapt blew it by pissing off everyone around him.
"Starting with the first song, Edge of Seventeen, he was getting on people's nerves by loudly sqawking out the chorus 'Woo-woo-who' and flapping his arms like a chicken," says Yvonne Cooperman who was standing next to Schmidlapt near the stage. "And everytime Stevie finished a song, he would yell out 'You go, girl!' And I mean after every song! Finally after he yelled it out five times in a row after Stevie sang her ballad Landslide, the one that always makes me cry - I got my husband to tell him to shut the fuck up."
Michelle Powers, who works at the same office-supply firm as Schmidlapt says she could see him from her own vantage point of ten rows back but didn't say hello or even let him know she was there because he was making such an asshole of himself.
"Dwight was really trying too hard to get laid by letting all the women around him know what a big Stevie Nicks fan he is," says Powers. "But the thing is, every time there was a lull in the music or a quiet moment in Stevie's song-introductions, he would yell out for her to sing, You Make Lovin' Fun. You know, from the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album? Well, shit, everyone knows that's a Christie McVie song!
"And when it came time for the encore and Dwight - trying to be funny I guess, starts yelling 'Don't Stop' - yet another song by McVie from Rumors I might add - well let's put it this way, judging by the looks I saw every woman in the place giving him, Dwight might as well have shipped his dick home in a cab right then and there, because he certainly wasn't going to be using it that night."
After the concert, Schmidlapt stood alone at the bar across the street in Robinson Hall, nursing a Tequila Sunrise while surrounded by horny middle-aged women in the process of rapidly getting drunk and losing all their inhibitions with any man who could reasonably fake his way through an explanation to the meaning of Rhiannon - and who all stood a well-defined distance of ten feet away from him.
"Where did I go wrong," he asked this reporter. "I had it all figured out. The demographics were perfect. The right age-group, the perfect chick-friendly performer. The fact that women would rather go see her with their girlfriends and the fact that their boyfriends would be just as happy to stay home and watch the Jays game on TV. I had it all worked out. You know, in a perfect world, I would be getting laid right now. In fact, I even picked up a used record of Fleetwood Mac's 1969 album Then Play On that I was going to put on the stereo for while we were in the sack. See what I mean? I thought of everything."
Schmidlapt, ever the optimist, then brightened and said, "But don't count me out of the game yet. In two weeks, Gwen Stefani is coming to town. I'll have better results with that crowd. I don't really know many of her songs, but I did see her new video for a song called Candyman on MuchMusic the other day and it was pretty catchy. Hey, how can I go wrong?"
posted by Sonny Drysdale at 6:39 AM
25 Comments:
Love tip for losers #2432
Schmidlapt needs a gimmick. Tell him to get one of those fake cast, or borrow a buddy's dog and wear sunglasses to the next one. It will bring out the nuturing in the females. He can look like the elephant man, but if he pretends he is a hurting unit, the gals will swarm him.
Sistah's don't even try this one. If they figure you can't go fetch them a beer, they will pass you over.
Dwight did borrow a friend's Golden Retriever puppy to sit on the patio of the Red Roaster in Wortley Village.
All it did was bring out the neutering instinct in every woman who got dog hair shed on their black clothes.
Honey Pot, oh Honey Pot, daddy's got something fat and juicy for you ...
Come and get it ...
Finally, I was able to slap Google around to straighten out my accounts. They played stupid with me for ages.
P.S. The Free Press won't cover the story about the City of London buying off the union president (outside the collective agreement) at an addition cost to taxpayers of $44,309 during the past 30 months for what reason?
Only the wimps (and believe me, it's a serious bunch of wimps and asslickers over there; think "we're trying" to write the fucking story) at the Freep know for sure. But it's gotta be $350,000 a year in City ad dollars because the tentacles of this story run so deep. i.e. Heads would roll.
Once Betty got the fat brown envelope of documents, it only took her three hours or so to write the story and call around.
You mean to tell me that the only fucking daily in town can't figure out how to do it.
On the afternoon of Friday, May 4, reporter Jonathan Sher called me to get the documents that I had. I met him at a library, photocopied them and gave them to him, no problem. He was as happy as a pig in shit. Great big shit-eating grin on him.
He said the story would be in either Saturday or Monday's paper.
Then he called me up late one night that weekend (after 10 p.m.), sounded really disappointed and told me that his editors had turned into human chickenshit for some reason.
You fucking figure it out.
Butch, hi...I didn't miss you, and your crude sexual misogynist innuendos.
Did you try other scources of media to get the story out? Doesn't have to be London media.
How would advertising dollars play into it? There is only one newspaper in town, not like the city can advertise any other way.
Why did you remove all the post about this story in altlondon? Your censoring speaks volumes. Were you, and some of the posters afraid of being sued for offering up an opinion on the subject?
The Beast creates a Beast
Honey Pot, don't tell me that you didn't miss me. You love The Beast.
Who created "Honey Pot Sugar Scoop"? Who gave her life from his loins? That's right. Me. The Beast created a Beast.
Regarding advertising, there's plenty of places to advertise in London other than The London Free Press.
The City of London regularly advertises in mediums other than The London Free Press.
The place the daily does have the market stranglehold is with the "statutory advertising requirements" (planning, legal ads etc.) from the City, where ads (according to provincial law and City policies) must be placed in a daily or weekly paper with wide general circulation.
In London we have a daily, so they get all the statutory adverising.
The Toronto Star, The Globe and Mail and The National Post have all been given the CUPE Local 107 story. Only the Toronto Star followed up.
Just noticed that the views are up to 2,000. Yesterday they were 1,510. Something funny there.
Comments were disabled temporarily and may be put up again at any time. I haven't decided yet.
I stand 100 per cent behind the story. It's as solid as the Rock of Gibralter.
The president of CUPE 107 is being a weekly salary and a Level 14 pay rate ($6 an hour more than the Level 9 specified for prez), OUTSIDE OF THE DULY NEGOTIATED COLLECTIVE AGREEMENT.
ALL union members are to be paid pursuant to their collective agreement. Individual memebers cannot cut side deals, let alone the union president, who's a favourite of City management and some of the politicos.
This is serious stuff and in my view constitutues "interference with the administration of a trade union" on the City's part, contrary to the Ontario Labour Relations Act. That too is being pursued.
Not to mention the taxpayers being ripped off to the tune of $44,309 during the past 30 months.
No doubt you would like me to fed your scrawny lions, but alas, I would be way too much for them. You would drop dead from excitement before the viagra even kicked in.
Scrawny lions?
Viagra? Wat dat?
I heard all 'bout you Wild Things from down east.
Like to go squibjiggin' in your oil-skinned trousers.
Big size, french fries, ketchup loves spud-tatoes.
The Balls are Big on the back of Butch's rig ... not Ruscitti's rig ...
Ketchup loves spud-tatters ...
Butch, I see you did put some of the comments back, but not the good ones. Stop being such a dickweed and leave them there. Just because someone doesn't agree with your point of view, doesn't mean you should delete their comments. Makes you look like a big sucky baby, and a propogandist of the worse kind. Makes you look like you can't defend your point of view, which most times you can't.
Here's a tip for you if you want your site to be considered a site with balls.
When a site bans comments from people who don't agree with them, they lose credibility, and are seen as lacking integrity and intellect. You want to rock and roll in the blog world, you got to pay the toll.
Honey Pot - all the rest of the local media are too busy wetting themselves over the fact that Toronto Bad Boy Mel Lastman has opened one of his warehouses full of crappy furniture right here in little ol' London.
Who's better than AltLondon at uncovering the stupidity at City Hall?
Noooooobody!
Thanks, Sonny.
Still dumb as a rusty, shit-stained bag of hammers aren't you, HP?
No comprehension whatsoever. Must have swallowed acid by the bag-full as a teenager.
HP, what you need is a little larnin' and educatin'.
130 years ago today ...
130 years ago today, Tecumseh Park (today's Labatt Memorial Park)
opened as a baseball park at the riverforks of London, Ontario, Canada West.
On May 24, 1877, The London Tecumsehs of the International Association battled the National League champion Boston Red Stockings before 8,000 fans.
Pitching for the London Tecumsehs was the co-inventor of the curveball and future Chicago White Stockings' star Fred Goldsmith.
Boston narrowly defeated London 7-6.
SOURCE: Canadian baseball historian, William Humber.
Today, Labatt Memorial Park is the undisputed world's oldest baseball grounds in continuous use since May 24, 1877, and is a designated City of London heritage property under the Ontario Heritage Act.
On Monday, May 28, CBC's Canadian Antiques Roadshow and its popular host Valerie Pringle will be filming a segment at Labatt Park, outlining its history, prior to the taping of the Roadshow at Alumni Hall on Tuesday, May 29.
The Labatt Park segment will be shown at the start of the Roadshow at Alumni Hall when it airs later this year.
So sorry. Me make mistake. Me bad. Spankum bum.
According to the London Advertiser of May 4, 1877, the very first game at the new Tecumseh Park was held on May 3, 1877 between the London Tecumsehs and thir junior team, the London Atlantics.
To wit: According to the London Advertiser of May 4, 1877, the first game at Tecumseh Park was one between the London Tecumsehs and their junior team, the Atlantics on May 3, 1877. The Tecumsehs won 5-1.
To wit: "The first regular game of baseball of the season was played yesterday afternoon in the presence of fully a thousand people. The new grounds are the most complete of every respect of any of the kind in Canada, and but few American cities have a convenient playing field."
On May 4, 1877, the Tecumsehs met the Hartfords of Brooklyn in their first International league
game. Powers, the Tecumsehs' star catcher was out with a broken finger. The London nine were defeated 6-2.
Jesus christ and cowboys! Barry that alt london is so freaking boring of late. Who except you, Normie, Mr. Flood and Steve Plunkett want to hear about baseball or dead, or nearly dead old musicians? For fucksake I keep waiting for you to be putting a cross-stitch and knitting link up. No one, and I mean no one, unless they are lying to you, wants to read about that stuff until their wilies are weak.
Yawn ... geez, Honey Pot, I thought maybe you'd died in that coffin you retire to every night and was ready to send a garbage packer over to your place for proper disposal.
Suggested epitaph:
"Hereunder lies a Dead Dipshit"
Regarding the traffic on alt-london, its quadrupled to just under 12,000 hits per day on average -- up from 4,000 hits per day on average of 6 months ago.
But keep checking it out HP, everyone else is.
Hey, I'd put up skinhead and white supremicist stories for you but I'm not really into that low-grade retarded shit that so fascinates you and all the other wrestling half-wits in town.
Nope, you are not getting those kinds of numbers. Maybe, just maybe 25 hits every couple of days. It is not only me telling you, it is everyone that ever looked at the site. I read the post that are telling you that before you deleted them. No one's posting, no one looking. What is that telling you? London needs a leftist lunatic point of view for the nutjobs. With alt no longer providing that what will the ndp do? Who will espouse their whacked out ideas, and promote their terrorist supporting activities? Without you the ndp are lost.
Whatever you say, Honey Pot. I guess that's why people pay to advertise on altlondon because no one goes there.
You're a walking, talking advertisement for self-denial and self-delusion. i.e., (your views) Climate change is not occurring, the world is flat, the Sun orbits around the Earth, the world is run by "glowtards" and all people can be stereotyped blah de blah blah blah.
How does it feel to be widely perceived as the rabid Village Idiot without an ounze of credibility?
But you have one distinction going for you: You're the only person permanently banned from altlondon during the six-year history of the site due to your penchant for religious bigotry and white supremicist views.
Do you still have that SS Nazi logo tattooed on your forehead or did you discreetly have it removed?
I still think you should host your blog or Website instead of latching on to other people's like a parasitical leech.
And get out there and do something for the community in which you live! Whining and snivelling like a broken record is for pimply-assed losers!
Empower yourself. Go get drunk and be somebody!
I very proud to be banned from alt london. I am proud to prove that alt london who pretends it is open to any thought or idea and a proponet of freedom of speech, tucked its tail between its leggs and was scared of me. I am glad I have shown others what alt london really is.
I really thought you were going to make something of that thing, but you didn't, and it is dying.
Wrong again, HP.
You were banned from Alt-London not because you disgreed with anyone on the site in a civilized manner, you were banned for your ongoing religious and ethnic bigotry for stereotyping all Muslims as terrorists and women abusers etc. You also pushed the insane view that the Koran should be banned and the Muslim faith prohibited.
Try that infantile nonsense on a few other sites, such as the Free Press Blog and it won't even get published and if you repeat it, you'll be banned there as well.
Honey Pot, the reality is that you need medical help, ASAP. A head transplant could work wonders for you, then you could slowly be re-intregrated back into society.
Butch, I didn't state that all muslims were terrorist. I would say 25% are actual terrorist, and 65% are terrorist supporters. There is about 10% of the muslim population who are not into that genocide of the jews and see suicide bombing as absurd,
No doubt muslim females who adhere to the fucked up teachings of islam don't have to worry about getting beat or murdered by their males, but we all know if they step out of line, they are dead meat.
The koran has to go. It is hate literature. Imagine teaching little kids five and six years old to hate jews and to kill a jew is the straight path to their fucked up heaven.
Never did see a column on alt that stated that Israel has a right to exist and protect herself. Why is that Butch?
http://www.memritv.org/search.asp?ACT=S9&P1=1468#
Take a look at this video Butch, this is what you support. There are lots more where this came from. Hamass tv can't wait to show off their little suicide bombers.
Geez, that's awfully good of you to pass judgment on a billion or so Muslim people on the planet, claiming that only 10 per cent of them don't support terrorism or genocide.
The much-learned Honey Pot labels people. It's her full-time hobby, really.
People that must label people, demanding "false absolutes," to give their messy lives clarity have plenty in common with Adolf Hitler and his racial bigotry.
Be proud of yourself, HP, your mind is like an open sewer of ignorance. Stuck in the Stone Age of Xenophobia.
My figure of 10% is more than likely too low. When was the last time you heard of a muslim here or abroad denouncing the obliteration of the Jews, or suicide bombings?
Not going to happen. The muslims hate Jews and their aim is genocide. They hate us infidels also, but they need people like you supporting their aim to obliterate Jews.
Butch is is rather retarded that you support the annihilation of the Jews by the muslim world, and you throw in Hitler as your argument.
You just don't make any sense Butch.
According to your insane, upside down figures, London, Ontario, Canada, should be a hotbed of hate and violence between Muslims, Jews and Christians.
You foolishy purport that 90 per cent of Muslims are either terrorists or terrorist supporters, with only 10 per cent of Muslims "benign."
Geez, in London, Ontario we have approximately 30,000 Muslim citizens.
According to your putrid, bigoted mind, that means we've got 27,000 terrorist or terrorist supporters among us and only 3,000 good Muslims.
Where do you come up with this low-grade dogshit, Honey Pot? Are you possessed by Satan and require an Exorcist?
Steve Orser should be able to coax the demons out of you and take them to the dump, aka the W-12-A landfill site, where they can thrive and fester with all the other vermin.
Once again, I think you should leave your evil ways behind and without further delay start doing valuable community work.
It's much more fulfilling to be actively involved making things better than sitting on the sidelines dreaming up false accusations about others.
Pray to Allah! Pray to Jesus! Pray to Buddha! Pray to any entity devoted to The Light. Leave Satan behind!
I would think your numbers are close. It is hard to know though. Not like you hear from any of the muslim leaders here in London stating they believe the mandate of the muslim culture to eradicate Jews is wrong.
The average everyday muslim can't speak out against the genocide of the Jews mandate by the muslim world because they would be ostracized from that crazy fucking death cult, known as islam. You won't even say it, and you are non-muslim. I think the muslims have much support from the left here in Canada in their quest to annihilate the Jews. I think it is wrong, and I have no problem stating it.
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