Man Fails to Get Laid Following Gwen Stefani Concert
Middle-aged single Dwight Schmidlapt went home alone following last night's Gwen Stefani concert at the John Labatt's Centre in downtown London. It was a disappointing evening all round for Schmidlapt who had laid out $125 for a single ticket on the floor close to the stage.
"I figured the place would be full of chicks in their 20s. You know, like one of those infomercials for Girls Gone Wild. And I would be the only guy there. I thought, how could I go wrong?" says Schmidlapt.
In fact, the entire floor was full of young girls but most were about 12 years old and too busy phoning their friends on their camera-cell phones to notice Schmidlapt.
Even if they had noticed the balding Schmidlapt, they would not have been impressed, says one fellow middleaged concert-goer who was there with her 10-year-old daughter. Yvonne Cooperman, who had a previous run-in with Schmidlapt two weeks previously at the recent Stevie Nicks concert says, "Yeah, it was the same asshole alright. I ask ya - what are the chances, huh?"
"And he was doing the same kinda shit he did at Stevie's show," Cooperman reports. "Like yelling out requests for Gwen to sing Just a Girl. Can you believe it!? And then, when he started yelling for her to sing Candyman - you know, the new Christina Aquilera song? Well, at that point, I had to get my kid to tell him to shut the fuck up."
Prior to Stefani taking to the stage, Schmidlapt hung around the Red Roaster Coffee vending station and repeatedly told any female who would listen that he was "All about the 'woo-hoo yee-hoo!' If you know what I mean."
No one did.
After the show, Schmidlapt stood alone at the bar across the street in Robinson Hall, nursing a Bud Light and surrounded by young single women in their early twenties who were all in the process of getting rapidly drunk and were willing to lose all their inhibitions to any man who knew the name of Stefani's first band and was also comfortable enough with his own masculinity to yodel like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music until that same young woman achieved orgasm at the height of passion.
"Where did I go wrong," Schmidlapt asked this reporter. "I thought I had it all figured out. The chick-friendly performer, the age demographics, everything! In a perfect world, I would be getting laid right now."
He then brightened and said, "But don't count the old Schmidlapter out of the game yet though. Next month, a hot new band called the Scissor Sisters is coming to town for Pride Week. I'm sure I'll have better luck with that demographic. I've heard their song, I Don't Feel Like Dancin' and it's pretty catchy. The chick hasn't been born that doesn't dig the Bee Gees.
"Hey - how can I go wrong?"
"I figured the place would be full of chicks in their 20s. You know, like one of those infomercials for Girls Gone Wild. And I would be the only guy there. I thought, how could I go wrong?" says Schmidlapt.
In fact, the entire floor was full of young girls but most were about 12 years old and too busy phoning their friends on their camera-cell phones to notice Schmidlapt.
Even if they had noticed the balding Schmidlapt, they would not have been impressed, says one fellow middleaged concert-goer who was there with her 10-year-old daughter. Yvonne Cooperman, who had a previous run-in with Schmidlapt two weeks previously at the recent Stevie Nicks concert says, "Yeah, it was the same asshole alright. I ask ya - what are the chances, huh?"
"And he was doing the same kinda shit he did at Stevie's show," Cooperman reports. "Like yelling out requests for Gwen to sing Just a Girl. Can you believe it!? And then, when he started yelling for her to sing Candyman - you know, the new Christina Aquilera song? Well, at that point, I had to get my kid to tell him to shut the fuck up."
Prior to Stefani taking to the stage, Schmidlapt hung around the Red Roaster Coffee vending station and repeatedly told any female who would listen that he was "All about the 'woo-hoo yee-hoo!' If you know what I mean."
No one did.
After the show, Schmidlapt stood alone at the bar across the street in Robinson Hall, nursing a Bud Light and surrounded by young single women in their early twenties who were all in the process of getting rapidly drunk and were willing to lose all their inhibitions to any man who knew the name of Stefani's first band and was also comfortable enough with his own masculinity to yodel like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music until that same young woman achieved orgasm at the height of passion.
"Where did I go wrong," Schmidlapt asked this reporter. "I thought I had it all figured out. The chick-friendly performer, the age demographics, everything! In a perfect world, I would be getting laid right now."
He then brightened and said, "But don't count the old Schmidlapter out of the game yet though. Next month, a hot new band called the Scissor Sisters is coming to town for Pride Week. I'm sure I'll have better luck with that demographic. I've heard their song, I Don't Feel Like Dancin' and it's pretty catchy. The chick hasn't been born that doesn't dig the Bee Gees.
"Hey - how can I go wrong?"
posted by Sonny Drysdale at 9:48 AM
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