Breaking News! - Art Bell Retires. Again

For the 23rd time, Art Bell has announced his retirement from the late-night syndicated radio talk show, Coast to Coast A.M., he began a decade and a few years ago.

Bell, who died five years ago, said from the grave that he was leaving the weekend hosting job because wanted to spend more time with his new wife and new daughter after his marriage last year to a 20-year-old Filipino mail-order bride less than a month after the unexpected death of his "soul-mate" Ramona.

Ramona, still stung by the then 65-year-old Bell's lack of respect for the grieving process said she isn't surprised by his most recent retirement annoucement. "What, you mean he's retiring again!?" she asked while sitting as the contents of an urn of ashes in Bell's sock drawer.

"Geez, I tell you - if it wasn't one thing it was another. First he retired because he just wanted to retire after 30 years in the business. Then after no one complained, he came back. Then he quit after his son, Art Bell Junior was kidnapped by a child-molester and thanks to a Toronto radio station, people thought that Art was the molester. So, sure, I can see wanting some time after that. Then he came back, made up some story about falling off the new back-yard deck he was putting up on our trailer-home and started calling in 'sick' four nights out of his scheduled five. And came back again. Then he decided to retire again just because he had turned 60 and thought it was his right. But when his replacement, George Noory started to become popular, Art decided to come back again -
but just for weekends.

"And then I died. On a trip in our new RV to the county seat, no less. Kind of a busman's holiday it was, seeing as we spent the rest of our time living in a motor-home up on blocks in the middle of the Nevada desert anyway.

"But God bless him, he was back on the job three weeks later. Art needs radio. Art needed to work after I died. Art needs to feel important. Either that, or he just loves radio more than he loves my memory."

Bell's new wife and child speaking through a spokesperson for Seance-entology report that they hope to be reunited with Bell soon through astral-projection.

Unfortunately, Bell has never mastered even the basics of travelling astrally.

"Oh sure, I remember when he claimed to have had his first out-of-body experience when we made our trip to Paris back in 1999," says Ramona from her urn. "He said he floated out of our bed, through the window and them hovered over the Eiffel Tower before being sucked back to our bed. Lord knows I love the guy and Whitley Steiber is a tonne of laughs too but even I couldn't keep a straight face when he walked out of the bathroom of our hotel room in Paris and sprung that one one me.

"Take it from me - the only sucking Art did that night was from gasping for air after puking his guts out into the bidet after those crazy French chef's served him an undercooked steak. As he always does with red meat - or white for that matter, Art poured half a bottle of ketchup over top and never had a clue that it was totally pink inside.

"Oh, and as for his other claim about us seeing a triangular craft, possibly a UFO hovering overtop of us on our way home from Vegas one night? Well, I'm dead now and so is Art so the truth doesn't matter. But we cooked up that story ourselves. I'm surprised that no one ever caught on but his radio show had just become hot with 100 stations picking him up for syndication, and he was getting worried.

"So we're coming back from playing the slots one night and he says to me, 'Listen, Ramona - every one of the guests and experts on my show have seen a UFO, but I haven't. It just doesn't look good. Look - we can either go home or head over to Area 51 and spend the night looking for one - or we can just make up a story about seeing one right now and I'll talk about it on Monday - if my back don't start acting up again - if you know what I mean, ha-ha."

"So, NO - we didn't see no UFO that night ... and Art never really hovered over the Eiffel Tower in an out-of-body experience either. We made it all up."

Ramona Bell contined, "And I'll let you all in on another little secret - you know Coast-to-Coast's most popular guest - Richard C. Hoagland - that 'Face on Mars' guy? Listen to his voice really carefully next time. It's really Ashton Kutcher. And I ain't shittin' ya either.

"And another thing - most of the stuff you still hear on Coast, it's all made up!"

When contacted by ouijii-board, many regulars asked 'Is it me?' while they bumped the table and eagerly awaited Bell's patented dead-pan replay of - "Only YOU know the answer to that yourself, sir."

But then, he assured everyone that this retirement would indeed be his last when he stated the familiar reply to any on-air caller who didn't have the brains to turn down his radio when it was their turn to be 'on the air' ---- "Caller, please turn your radio OFF."

It may have took him ten ways to Sunday to actually say it, but - what the heck, we'll miss him. George Noory is great.
But there is only one Art.

Happy retirement, Art.

And we're looking forward to hearing you again before the 'Ghost to Ghost' show at Halloween.

Have a good weekend.